Home Sick

As in I was at home today sick with a bug, not homesick. But sometimes, I am homesick, and get overcome with nostalgia. I usually lay down with a cool compress till it goes away. Which, funny as it may be, is what I do when I’m home sick, too. ::smile::

I was telling a co-worker the other day that I miss the mother I thought I had. Not the real one, the one that manipulates and hurts, is spiteful and mean and ugly and drives everyone around her away. The one that had me tied in knots trying to please her – as a child and as an adult. Until one day the grown up me realized that nothing I could ever do would make her happy or please her. So I stopped. And stopped talking to her.

About six months ago she tried to make contact. Well, she didn’t, she had a friend do it. Between my home number and cell, they called 8 times. They called my sister a couple of times too, but she answered because she didn’t recognize the friend’s name and number.

It happened again today. It’s not been a good day anyway – I’ve spent most of last night and today going between being freezing and sweating. I’m worried because of the diabetes and how being sick will affect my bg control. I texted our GSM this morning to let him know, he’s out and told me to call work and let my department know. I also texted our owner, whose reply was read by me to mean he didn’t beleive I’d called. Which may just be paranoia, or not. I felt better this afternoon and took lunch to the SO at 4pm. When I got back home…5 calls on the home phone and a message from someone I have no clue who they are. Mom’s number just showed on my cell phone.

I’m sick, and tired; work is constant stress.  The diabetes diagnosis blew me completely off track with everything else. And now this woman to whom I can no longer give honor is pestering me. I can’t talk to her, it will only come ’round to hurt me later. She has no boundaries, so I had to construct them for her. And unfortunately, the boundaries are high and rigid.

Do I feel bad about that? Sometimes. I feel sorry for her that her fear of being left alone has led her to a point where she is all alone. But not enough that I’m going to sacrifice the gains I’ve made in my own well-being.

So I weep for the past that wasn’t really all that great, and I weep for her, and for what could have been.

And then lay down with a cold compress till the fever passes.

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