Although my destination is a long healthy future with as little complications from this diabetes thingy as possible, the journey is off to a rocky start. There are several little goblins raising their heads after my initial stable acceptance of the diagnosis. They are, in no particular order:
- I have a doctors appointment every week for the next five weeks, which come up to about $125 in co-pays. (yes, I am thankful I have insurance)
- being screened for cholesterol, blood pressure, etc., all these other chronic things that go along with diabetes. So now I get to worry about strokes and heart attacks, too.
- figuring out how to eat at a regular time on Thursday and Friday evenings…Brian cooks for me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so dinner is waiting when I get home from work. He works the other evenings, and I don’t get home from work till 7. By the time I cook and eat, it’s almost time for bed. which then throws off my blood sugar in the morning. which makes for a not good morning
- the little freak outs that happen when my blood sugar is high. I almost don’t have to test to know I’m high….the fact that I’m angry, frustrated and fighting off tears is enough
- the cost of testing strips is criminal!
- being freaked out over the cost of everything
- being freaked out at the change in status – what will this diagnosis do to my ability to get insurance? Am I stuck in a job that I may not entirely be happy in because of the group insurance? If I change jobs will the costs of my diabetes treatment be covered?
- being paralyzed by being freaked out. It’s all so overwhelming right now I’m stuck in a spot where I can’t seem to do anything but scream inside. I might not be in a place to make good decisions, but being able to make one would be nice.
I know that this is all just self-absorbed, self-important navel-gazing and a bit of a pity party. I’m a bit shocked that I’m feeling this now. Maybe it’s an appropriate progression of emotions. I did read in “Diabetes for Dummies” that diabetics self-identify as depressed at a higher rate than non-diabetic people. When I read that, I thought, ‘hmm, that’s interesting.’ I understand that statistic better after this week.
So, this weekend, the goal is to un-freak a bit. I’m getting my hair done. I’m ignoring the political blogs i normally read. I’m going to cook dinner today for Thursday and Friday next week, so I have something ready to eat when I get home. I’m going to be proactive about it, and get my head straightened out.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Oh, and I have to say… Brian is a saint for putting up with the mood swings, the crying, the snapping….he’s a great guy, and I don’t ever tell him enough how special he is.