Home Sick

As in I was at home today sick with a bug, not home sick. But sometimes, I am homesick, and get overcome with nostalgia. I usually lay down with a cool compress till it goes away. Which, funny as it may be, is what I do when I’m home sick, too. ::smile::

I was telling a co-worker the other day that I miss the mother I thought I had. Not the real one, the one that manipulates and hurts, is spiteful and mean and ugly and drives everyone around her away. The one that had me tied in knots trying to please her – as a child and as an adult. Until one day the grown up me realized that nothing I could ever do would make her happy or please her. So I stopped. And stopped talking to her.

About six months ago she tried to make contact. Well, she didn’t, she had a friend do it. Between my home number and cell, they called 8 times. They called my sister a couple of times too, but she answered because she didn’t recognize the friend’s name and number.

It happened again today. It’s not been a good day anyway – I’ve spent most of last night and today going between being freezing and sweating. I’m worried because of the diabetes and how being sick will affect my bg control. I texted our GSM this morning to let him know, he’s out and told me to call work and let my department know. I also texted our owner, whose reply was read by me to mean he didn’t beleive I’d called. Which may just be paranoia, or not. I felt better this afternoon and took lunch to the SO at 4pm. When I got back home…5 calls on the home phone and a message from someone I have no clue who they are. Mom’s number just showed on my cell phone.

I’m sick, and tired; work is constant stress.  The diabetes diagnosis blew me completely off track with everything else. And now this woman to whom I can no longer give honor is pestering me. I can’t talk to her, it will only come ’round to hurt me later. She has no boundaries, so I had to construct them for her. And unfortunately, the boundaries are high and rigid.

Do I feel bad about that? Sometimes. I feel sorry for her that her fear of being left alone has led her to a point where she is all alone. But not enough that I’m going to sacrifice the gains I’ve made in my own well-being.

So I weep for the past that wasn’t really all that great, and I weep for her, and for what could have been.

And then lay down with a cold compress till the fever passes.

Not so happy…

Last night I had a small snack, took the Lipitor and the Glucovance. Got up this morning and tested….135, what it has been most mornings. I’m a bit upset, but just because I want to get my bg down down down….

Yesterday ended up being a rollercoaster ride. 107 first thing in the morning. Something happened between getting to work, eating breakfast and getting ready for Manager’s Meeting that caused my bg to soar to 211. I felt it before I went to work. I had extreme energy and had to run to the ladies’ room twice before the meeting. I tested after the meeting because I was still on edge. And was shocked. I walked around the building three times, and it came down to 134. By lunchtime it was 112.

So, was breakfast, which I’ve had before on the weekend with a 1 point change in bg at 2 hours post prandial testing, the thing that caused the problem? Or was it the stress of driving behind an 18-wheeler on a two-lane highway? Or the stress of having a tough manager’s meeting at the end of a tough business month? I don’t know.

So, as stated in yesterday’s post, I will be taking the Glucovance with dinner, and taking the Actos at bedtime.

sigh.

Well, I Survived

Last night before going to bed I ate a small snack, took the Lipitor I take to thwart my evil cholesterol levels, and the Glucovance that works diligently to keep my blood sugar in check, and the new script Actos to help keep that morning blood sugar in the normal ranges, and then crawled into bed with my new book.

And as I settled down, I counted the meds again….lipitor? check. glucovance? well, I normally take it with dinner, but check. Actos? Wait! That’s an a.m. pill! Oh, no! Have I poisoned myself? ?I was bolt upright with panic.

However, the lures of the new book drew my attention there, and soon I was drifting off to sleep, panic diminished.

This morning. I again was bolt upright, happy to be awake, for one. I tested quickly, and was relieved to see a happy 107 bs reading (bs has a whole new and different meaning for me since the diabetes diagnosis). My fasting blood sugar has not been that low since I was put on the medicine. It was starting to upset me that we couldn’t get it down.

So now the question is this: is the morning reading due to the Glucovance taken at bedtime instead of with dinner? or was it the Actos at night instead of in the morning?  I will have to experiment – not too much, it’s my health and I don’t want to jeopardize anything by playing the medicine combination. However, I see no harm in experimenting with the timing of my dosage. Tonight, I’m going to take the Lipitor and Glucovance at bedtime again, and take the Actos in the morning like I’m supposed to, and we’ll see Wednesday morning if that was the trigger. If not, I’ll take the Glucovance at dinner as per normal, and take the Actose at bedtime with the Lipitor. And then test Thursday.

and so on and so on…..

Overwhelmed with Information

I’m a book geek. My first reaction to almost anything is to look for a book on whatever topic is on my mind. I buy cable packages based on the availability of CSPAN2, which turns into BookTV on the weekends. I love books, although I have to admit I don’t take as good care of my books as I should.

The point here is, with the diabetes diagnosis, I went overboard on the information. I have bookmarked a good half dozen sites, joined alt.support.diabetes on usenet, and have a stack of books from the library. I’m scheduled for 4 educational sessions at Trident Hospital in October.

I’m so overwhelmed with information, I don’t know where to start with things. It’ll come, I know. I’m in much better spirits this weekend than last weekend. My sugar seems to be in good control right now on meds and diet. I’ve lost some weight – woohoo! Although I’m not sure if that’s from the diabetes or the little bursts of exercise I’m doing. It’s better if its the latter.

Things are coming together, I think. I’m working on absorbing all this information and dissecting it, adapting my lifestyle to it…

Right now, I need a nap.

A Little Something to Keep You Awake…

Saw this on Ace of Spades last night. Not for the faint of heart, but here’s the pic:

“I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw.”

Here’s the original story.

My response in one word: bleaurrhgghhh, followed by a shudder.

I am terribly afraid of snakes. Won’t find me going into the reptile house at the zoo. I nearly freaked out the first time I went to the South Carolina Aquarium … they had snakes from the different geographic areas of Carolina on display. Yikes!

Really, I hyperventilate and cry when there are snakes on a Discovery Channel special. Yes, I know I can turn the channel.

This fear of snakes is something I developed when my parents lived in the country. It takes something out of you when you open the back door to find a rat snake sunning itself on the top step. Or to find your pet cat under the house playing with a baby copperhead (my response? ‘Daddy, go get him!’ Daddy’s response? ‘Are you CRAZY? There’s a mad copperhead under the house!’) One visit to the house, I was inside, Mama was outside. She came in, told me she grabbed the pistol, told me she was going to shoot it in the yard. Mama’s a little whacky, so I thought okay……When she came back in I asked her what was she shooting at, thinking she’d say rocks or cans or some other typical target. “Snakes,” she replied. “Oh!” I said. I think I stayed inside the house the rest of the visit.

The first Father’s Day weekend after my father passed away I went to visit Mama. I was helping her with the fence and had to go to the back of the yard, in the woods. I took 2 of the dogs with me, thinking they’d scare anything with fangs or rattles before I came upon it. They started hunting moles, so I was on my own. I checked the fence line, and on the way back to the house, started to step and stopped when I heard this …. “hiiiiiisssssssssssss” from the ground. I looked down in time to see a little copperhead strike where my foot would have been. Let me tell you, this big girl levitated, and ran 100 yards in the opposite direction in record time, where I stopped and quietly lost my mind. Until I realized that I had run in the opposite direction from the house and had to make my way back through the woods that I was convinced were now teeming with venomous predators.

When I lived in Arkansas, there was a summer where this house…. I can’t remember if it was in Conway or Cabot, that was a congregation spot for copperhead snakes. It had never happened before, and every evening more and more snakes joined party. Herpetologists from several universities came to study the phenomena. The homeowners seemed to be pretty excited about the events. If it had been my house…. I would have either had to set fire to the yard and woods around it, or move and leave it to the snakes.

You want to know something funny about Bugworks? I LOVE cheesy snake movies on SciFi (I know it’s SyFy now, but that’s stupid). “Snakes on a Plane”? I’m there, love it. Searching for Anacondas in the Carpathians? On it, with popcorn, laughing at the bad acting and dismal graphics. Giant copperheads terrorizing an Old West town? Mesmerized.  It makes no sense, but I love them. I think it’s a way for me to laugh at my fear, to best it instead of it besting me.

No Politics Weekend

This weekend is reserved for resting, and getting things set up for Thursday and Friday, so I can take care of myself. Part of that is refraining from visiting the usual blogs I read: Hot Air, Ace of Spades, Michelle Malkin. I’ve only been able to read the first entry on the Anchoress’s site because it’s about food instead of politics.

I had no idea how much time I waste reading those blogs and their comments. It’s been difficult not to click on them out of habit. But I’ve stopped myself.

And now, I must go check on the cheesy-bacon-onion biscuits I made from a recipe at Pioneer Woman. Hope they’re as pretty in my kitchen as they are on her blog.

yum

Well, I do say it’s the journey

Although my destination is a long healthy future with as little complications from this diabetes thingy as possible, the journey is off to a rocky start. There are several little goblins raising their heads after my initial stable acceptance of the diagnosis. They are, in no particular order:

• I have a doctors appointment every week for the next five weeks, which come up to about $125 in co-pays. (yes, I am thankful I have insurance)
• being screened for cholesterol, blood pressure, etc., all these other chronic things that go along with diabetes. So now I get to worry about strokes and heart attacks, too.
• figuring out how to eat at a regular time on Thursday and Friday evenings…Brian cooks for me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so dinner is waiting when I get home from work. He works the other evenings, and I don’t get home from work till 7. By the time I cook and eat, it’s almost time for bed. which then throws off my blood sugar in the morning. which makes for a not good morning
• the little freak outs that happen when my blood sugar is high. I almost don’t have to test to know I’m high….the fact that I’m angry, frustrated and fighting off tears is enough
• the cost of testing strips is criminal!
• being freaked out over the cost of everything
• being freaked out at the change in status – what will this diagnosis do to my ability to get insurance? Am I stuck in a job that I may not entirely be happy in because of the group insurance? If I change jobs will the costs of my diabetes treatment be covered?
• being paralyzed by being freaked out. It’s all so overwhelming right now I’m stuck in a spot where I can’t seem to do anything but scream inside. I might not be in a place to make good decisions, but being able to make one would be nice.

I know that this is all just self-absorbed, self-important navel-gazing and a bit of a pity party. I’m a bit shocked that I’m feeling this now. Maybe it’s an appropriate progression of emotions. I did read in “Diabetes for Dummies” that diabetics self-identify as depressed at a higher rate than non-diabetic people. When I read that, I thought, ‘hmm, that’s interesting.’ I understand that statistic better after this week.

So, this weekend, the goal is to un-freak a bit. I’m getting my hair done. I’m ignoring the political blogs i normally read. I’m going to cook dinner today for Thursday and Friday next week, so I have something ready to eat when I get home. I’m going to be proactive about it, and get my head straightened out.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oh, and I have to say… Brian is a saint for putting up with the mood swings, the crying, the snapping….he’s a great guy, and I don’t ever tell him enough how special he is.

Evening Stroll in Charleston

….is a very romantic thing to do. We discovered the Philadelphia Alley, a lovely, red-brick alley-way between Cumberland and Queen Streets. Tiny baby ferns peeked between the brick and cobbles. It was quiet, it was historical, it was charming, it was an unexpected pleasure.

Brian and I walked around the graveyard at St. Phillip’s Episcopal Church, and then down Cumberland towards Waterfront Park. Spent some time looking out at the harbor, saw a huge tanker by Ft. Sumter, then was struck by the 4 sail tall ship on the horizon. I don’t know where it was going, but it was beautiful in the dusky evening.

We stopped at Bocci’s on the way back to the car for a quiet dinner in a corner table. Great food, beautiful location, and great conversation. A wonderful ending on a long, hectic day.

Long Time, No Post

My last posts were in March, right before I was asked to spearhead a project at work that is ongoing….I’ve been so wiped out when I get home that I hardly have the energy to clean the kitchen after supper.

I discovered last Tuesday that I can’t blame the job for my being so tired. I was diagnosed with diabetes. I’m not too terribly surprised; I’ve struggled with reactive hypglycemia for years and knew eventually the doctor would say the dreaded D word.

It actually makes things – like being so tired, or the thirst I was blaming on the decongestant the allergist gave me, or getting really emotional – make sense. The medication the doctor gave me to help lower my blood sugar gives me some digestive problems, but I feel so much better with my blood sugar in normal ranges that it’s worth the diagnosis and all the things I have to do differently now to stay healthy. I was reading alt.support.diabetes yesterday evening and poster commented that for many people, diabetes is a blessing in disguise because they’re healthier now, more knowledgable and focused on their diet and exercise.

stay tuned for more…i’m going to try to blog my way through my illness.

Life is Funny

I had to deal with a difficult customer at the end of the day today. He was mad, he thought we’d cheated him, he threatened our Customer Service Index scores. He spoke in circles. He wouldn’t let me get a word in edge-wise. In short, he was a pill.

I had to use my skills on the call to make sure he didn’t escalate. I also had one of the owners in my area listening to how I handled the call. So I had to be good.

I am good at what I do. I sometimes am afraid I’ll drop the ball on something, but that’s only because there is a great deal I’m responsible for. I finally have gotten to where I’m only afraid of getting reprimanded; I don’t fear the dire consequences that appear only in my mind. This is progress.

I got to thinking after I passed the call over to the appropriate manager, that being raised by an unpredictable, volatile, verbally abusive parent prepared me for this job. I’m attuned to how other people are feeling, I can read tone of voice and body language well. Those skills, developed out of sheer survival, helped me get through childhood. They helped keep me on alert, watchful for any little change in my parent’s behavior that would bring the world down on my shoulders. I’ve lived for the longest time, waiting for the next boot to drop, waiting for the world to come to an end. Anyone in authority showing even just a neutral affect towards me would send me to the corner, doubting myself, my performance, waiting to be dismissed out of hand. It’s a tough way to live.

With some professional help and a lot of prayer, though, I’ve been able to hone those skills, tone them down, refine them to my benefit. I don’t let an upset customer drive me over the edge. I control the conversation, I make things better. If they upset me, they’d never know it; that’s what walks around the building are for.

Until today, I would have never thought I’d be happy to have had some of the experiences I’ve had surviving my childhood. They’ve made me who I am, and they’ve made me successful at what I do.

Maybe one day, I’ll be able to take those skills and apply them to my parent. It’s something to think about.